To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself.
~ Dr. Burton Grebin
There is no greater grief than when a parent loses a child.
As a person, I had never truly experienced such a gut-wrenching
heartache, until the day that my wife and I lost a child. As a
psychologist, some may think that I am trained to have “all the known
answers,” but the truth is, there are no answers, quick fixes, or
remedies to mend the heartbreak around the loss of a child. The loss of a child is an inconceivable and an unimaginable experience. While my wife and I never had an opportunity to get to know our child by physical touch, perception, or smell; we had already bonded with our developing child.
MY DAUGHTER’S HEARTACHE
The day that we were told that our child had passed on was the most egregious experience of my life. On this very day, not only had I lost my child, but my precious and tendered hearted Delilah experienced the loss of a sibling. At the time, my daughter was a mere five years of age, but her cry and her mournful spirit penetrated the very nature of my being. At that moment, I recognized not only the impact that this loss had on myself, my loving wife, but the dire impact that it had on my precious daughter. For me, the loss was like an ocean of emotions consuming my person, but it was further deepened by witnessing the breach of my daughter’s innocence. It was the tenderness of my daughter’s cry that pierced my heart and my soul. It was like I had experienced yet a second loss, a loss of my precious daughter’s innocence and my inability to protect her from harm, that broke my spirit.
Source: Asa Don Brown
Generally women are more expressive about
their loss, and more likely to seek support from others. Men may be more
action-oriented, tend to gather facts and problem solve, and therefore
often do not choose to participate in support networks that consist of
sharing feelings. This does not mean he is not grieving. Often men bury
themselves in work when they are grieving.
~ American Pregnancy Association
The day that the love of my life and I lost our child, was one of the
most heartbreaking experiences within the context of our
relationship. My wife, my love and my best-friend
was devastated, and I felt helpless, without an ability to provide
complete comfort. I knew that I was incapable of offering a word of
resolve, comfort, or absolution. Nor could I provide a word that would
erase the painful memories from her mind and soul.article continues after advertisement I felt broken, dismayed, and guilty that I was incapable of protecting my family from this egregious experience. Naturally, my wife was conveying feelings of regret, blame, shame and guilt over the loss of our child. Despite all of my formal education in psychology, I felt at a loss, and puzzled how to proceed. While I am formally trained as a psychologist, I realized long ago that my humanhood remains a vital part of my person. Clinicians are expected to remain professional in “all” circumstances and events, but the truth is, we are human too.
Source: Asa Don Brown
When a woman miscarries, the experience of the father is often forgotten. But men grieve pregnancy loss too...
~ Author Unknown
The loss of my child broke my spirit. I do not feel that I have ever
weeped so deeply or so intensely. While my wife and I never had an
opportunity to celebrate the birth of our child, our loss was just as
profound and genuine as the loss of a birthed child.article continues after advertisement As a father and a husband, I felt incapable of protecting both my daughter and the love of my life. I felt such an emptiness and hollowness, that even to this day I am incapable of fully expressing the loss of my precious child.
“Men are often relegated to a supporting role during pregnancy loss. The focus usually falls on the mother—her physical and emotional needs, her experience, her recovery. But fathers are deeply affected by pregnancy loss.” (Czukas, 2014) As a clinician, I had no real idea or fathomable comprehension of the authentic pain that occurs when one losses a child. The loss of a child burrows deep into your soul. As a father, I personally felt my emotions and feelings had been dismissed by my friends, family, and my professional associates. I am not an attention seeker, but in my time of need, I felt abandoned and as though the urgency of my pain was unimportant. As a clinician, I had heard these words, but it was not until I had this experience, was I capable of completely understanding the pain associated with the loss of a child.
WELL MEANING WORDS AND UNTIMELY STATEMENTS
Losing a child is unspeakably painful, so finding the right words to say to those grieving can be difficult.
~ Kira Brekke
The day of our loss, brought with it many well intended words. Many
of the words brought warmth and comfort, while others fell sadly
short. Have you ever experienced words of comfort and condolences? Did
you feel that the individual offering the sympathetic expressions were
authentic in his or her communication? Many well-meaning words often
fall short of their intended target or message. While the words may be
sincere, the message of sincerity may have had a shortfall. article continues after advertisement
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